Love Yourself

Love yourself. These two words are easy to say, yet hard to do for a number of people. For some, it is easier to make a list of things you dislike about yourself than things that you do like about yourself...even accepting compliments don't come easy; where we can just simply smile and say 'Thank you', we usually utter these set of words instead, 'hindi naman', don't we? I myself am this way. I find so many wrong things where I am the only one concerned, and nobody else even gives a damn.

I thought that when I am in a relationship, this would all vanish...when I finally find someone who would love me for me, no changes. Funnily, nothing changed, even after a long period...there would be instances where a simple I feel ugly and fat would turn into an overnight war between me and him. Him always telling me there is nothing wrong with me, and me telling him that even though he says that this is still the way I feel and nothing seems to make me feel better. Maybe I was waiting for myself to grow up, even just a bit.

It is no surprise that I am made up of so many eating disorders and I have this obsession with working out even in the wee hours of the night...that I count every calorie that goes in my mouth...but goes unnoticed because I can easily divert other people's attention into another topic rather than finishing my food, or eating anything at all. I'm good at blocking hunger with movies, art, books, exercise....and some other bad things. And this has been an on-going battle for more than ten years.

Though I had to grow up in an instant, once I got the news that I'm pregnant. Guilt weighed more. A few weeks into the pregnancy I was still on a strict diet (meaning I still starved myself)...but thinking about the welfare of the baby, or my baby, weighed so much more. So I changed the way I ate. I was banned from exercise on up until the fourth month due to some complications, but by the fifth month I was allowed to walk. So there. I manage with a 30 minute walk daily. And I can say...I'm okay.

There are just times when the negative things sink in; nights when I'd still pester Adam that I'm becoming a big blob...or that I'm turning hideous...there was an instance when a clothing of mine wouldn't button up and I showed it to him crying, 'hindi na kasya saakin Adam, ang laki laki ko na', to which he laughed at me and said I looked cute. Which made me feel worse because I'm trying to find comfort yet all I get is a laugh. Or there would be instances I'd tell him I don't want to go out because I feel ugly. In spite of these things, Adam helps me through. There is not one day that he makes me feel less, even though I'm a few sizes up or that my waistline is bigger than his. Everyday he reminds me that I am beautiful, that I'll always be...and that what he sees is what matters, not everyone else's. He never fails to make me feel special, just like a princess. He always makes time for me, and our baby. Last Tuesday he asked me out to dinner and a movie...and I was curious why he asked so suddenly, and he said it was because we've been married for a month...this gesture was sweet and I felt very special. Also, he makes it a point to join me during check-ups with the doctor.

All these gestures and words are the things that help me become stronger, and these things help me love myself...just the way I am.

Coincidentally, we watched "BEASTLY" that Tuesday night...and that was the exact message.

Love is never ugly.

The Lovely Vanne Leon

It's been a long time since I've worked on anything related to pictures...due to hormones and pregnancy discomforts....but I'm beginning to adapt...as late as now. Last Sunday, me and Adam joined a shoot...so I had a chance to create something new.

There's Just This Thing Inside Me

I know by heart I am a good person, and lately (for the past year or so)...I find that part of my heart turns black sometimes. I used to be contented with everything, and I don't know when it learned to doubt...or when it started to have a bad wishlist, like my to-kill-list. Wishing ill of someone was never my forte, but sad to say, the list is there. If I don't come or grow to like you, then most likely you'd find your name there. And I feel bad about this because it seems out of my control...and everyday, I cry out to God, "HELP ME".

New Things

Joana Sison McGee is my new name.

And it makes me happy :)

So far, after the hectic weekend...I managed to get sick. I'm kind of scared because I know I can't get sick because I'm pregnant. But what can I do, but rest and drink lots of water. Yesterday I was really feeling so bad. I had a clogged nose and my throat hurts like hell.

I spent the day reading and sleeping and waiting for myself to get better. When Adam came home I was such a mess, but I had no choice...I looked sick. Because we know that I couldn't drink just any medication, he just made me laugh by saying funny things...and though I know he hates it when I make him dance...he did...and that made me happy--because he did it to make me laugh. It's one of the things I love about him...when he becomes selfless just so he can show me how much he loves me (though I already know how much).

Last Saturday was our wedding...it was very very hectic and a bit stressful that we almost had a fight through SMS (thank God I was very much in control at that time hehe). The morning was so busy with makeup, photoshoots, the video....but good thing my family (plus my two cousins) made me laugh the whole time. I wasn't nervous or anything. Not until me and my two cousins were waiting at the bridal car and one of them said she was nervous. Contagious. The bridal car was parked far from the entrance of the church, but I could see how busy Adam was with fixing the entourage...making sure everything was perfect. He's been telling me for days that he wants this day to be perfect for us, and I always tell him (when he gets stressed) that whatever happens it will be perfect...because it was him and me. Cheeeeeeesy...I know :)

Time went by so fast, before I knew it I was walking down the aisle. No time to shed my tears of joy...I was so worried about falling or tripping. We prepared vows to read, but the priest skipped the part. So we just gave what we wrote to each other.

The reception was fun, I haven't seen friends for so long and I'm glad to see them. I'm glad they came...though I did not have time to go around the tables to greet them...I hope they understand. I am really grateful.

Adam and I spent 2 nights at the hotel...eating and eating and eating :) And laughing and posting the photobooth pictures on FB.

Thank you to everyone who helped us with the occasion and to those who came.

It's a Wonder

I had a very special weekend. For the first time, I saw our baby that developed from a tiny dot (from my last ultrasound, December 2010) to a tiny human-like form. We saw our baby move, the tech said that we have an active baby. We saw the eyes, lips, and nose; the hands with tiny fingers; the feet with tiny toes. We saw the heart, complete with four chambers; the stomach bubble. The tech also said it's most likely a girl :)

It's very heart-warming to have seen this. It made me happy knowing that 'she' is healthy and so far, has no problems. I do already feel 'her' move a lot, usually when I'm about to sleep or when I'm not moving.

It's one great blessing that we've been given, a very special gift :)

Grateful

I may not have been vocally appreciative due to multiple discomforts caused by hormones, but in my heart I am grateful to my family and friends who have been very happy and supportive. Also, to Adam who has been the greatest since way back, even before our baby :) I've never met a guy so understanding, considerate, thoughtful, responsible, kind, patient....and many many more. I think more guys should be like him. I feel very lucky to have him in my life. I know he's tired from work, but still he is taking me out tonight to watch "Red Riding Hood" :)

Thank you Adam!

Happy Baby

That's me when I was a baby, I just never thought I'd be a mother someday too. I used to give up on life very easily...but not lately. Thanks to all the blessings God has given me :) also, for the love that keeps me strong everyday.

Who To Look Like

(Adam and Me....well, I think I'm bigger hehehe)

I do not deny that I am excited to see who our baby would look like. I do wish it looks like Adam, but then with a bit of me, I do not know what me and him put together would look like; anything is okay with me as long as he/she is healthy.

Bia

I haven't been working on my photos lately....I've been hibernating due to severe mood swings. So on days I'm comfortable, I do try to make things beautiful.

That Happy Ever After

Hi. I haven’t blogged for a few months now, due to work. Wonder why I am blogging right now? It is because I’ve resigned from my job. It wasn’t that I was discontented, or that the job was hard; there are just things in my life now that are more significant which I am about to share. A

nd it is pure bliss in spite of the discomforts I am experiencing due to another news I am about to divulge.

A few months back, me and my cousin (Mel) went to Palawan with her boyfriend, Genson; and of course, Adam. Their flight home was in the morning, and ours was in the afternoon, so me and Adam had the day to ourselves. I was clueless on the events that were to transpire. He’s been asking me if we could go to a beach. We had nothing on schedule so it was alright. We packed our things and rode down a nearby beach; we brought lunch with us too. But because of our great stay, I was having the blues, still not wanting to go home. I didn’t want to go back to reality yet—that I was jobless and that some other things were just on my mind. We took pictures and we walked, we took our lunch….and suddenly I couldn’t hold my emotions in; it was just like when the tide comes in. I cried. He asked me why, and I did say that I was feeling stuck in my life, and that there is this big hole which just sucks me in. So he consoled me…the best he can and my cries turned into sobs. I excused myself to freshen up. When I was okay, he asked me to go walk with him. And we sat face to face, him facing the sea, and I facing him. I couldn’t remember much because it was surreal to me. I was still sobbing and he was still consoling me, he put his arms around me and he was telling me something I couldn’t understand….I only was able to comprehend it when I broke away from his arms and saw his lips moving, saying this exactly’ “Gusto mo ba maging wife ko?”.To which I responded with a blank stare, my mind froze. He repeated the question, just when I saw him holding a ring in front of me, which he said he has been holding for the longest time. There was no other answer for me, because back then, I knew he was the one. I was so shocked, that I almost choked with a single word, “YES”….and I couldn’t help but cry. This was one of the most memorable days of my life. All my worries and fears just went away.

I decided to tell my family around my birthday, but God has his way with things, and this is how my life mapped out. A few weeks before my day, God has blessed me with an advanced birthday gift (which is also an advanced Christmas present for Adam)…a baby. We are having a baby. I had mixed feelings at fist, happy because every child is a miracle from God, and that I know Adam is happy too; scared because I was afraid my parents wouldn’t be able to understand why when I was engaged would I have a child before a wedding? But life works in ways we don’t always get to control. So we decided to let the holidays pass before we told them.

I am very thankful that I have supportive brothers who helped in breaking the news to my parents. Who both were very understanding, who told Adam and I that what matters is that we are happy. So now, even though I deal with the headaches, fatigue and nausea almost 24 hours everyday…I am happy, knowing that while I am at home taking care of myself and our child (still in my tummy), Adam is working for us and that at the end of the day we’d be together sharing the happiness and the love between us.

This was last December, at 7 weeks 4 days. Now I’m at 14 weeks 2 days.

These days I am busy resting, and working on our wedding :) I can never be more blessed.

Now....

I'm stuck in a rut. It's the another year and I have a lot to think about. Well, as most people....though things will take a turn for me this year. I know so. And I have to brace myself for the good fight. I've spent years learning to be brave about small things....much more with bigger things... though, there is not much difference anyway; being brave is just being brave. I will get to the bottom of this in die time. I promise.

I am facing a lot of changes I can't wait to share to most people, but for now my lips are zipped...until the right time comes.

I know one of the biggest change I have to face is still the same, learning to love myself whatever happens. I am changing bit by bit, but hey...it's still me...and people who have come to love me the way I am will always do. Life is good.

Getting Older

I'm not really that old but I can feel that things are different. The things that matter to me are different. Things change. I used to be contented watching TV the whole day, reading a book, things like that. Now I get depressed over things that I know can happen, but not right when I want it to. And I've been honest with the things that are in my mind. A family, a home. I'm almost 26, I'm not 16 anymore, I've outgrown parties. And this has been bothering my head everyday. I didn't mean to blurt everything out, I admit I was under the influence of alcohol but I'm glad. I don't want to be drinking every time I want to say what's on my mind.

I respect what other people want, but I also have things that I need. And want and need....they are different. I can't go on feeling anxious everyday, nervous... because there is something left unfulfilled for me.

Haven't

I haven't really been writing. Even on my journal... I noticed that all I write in there are the things that make me feel bad. I know for a fact that this is because these are things I couldn't tell anybody, rather, I'm scared to let anyone know because I don't want to be called crazy. But hey, who isn't...in their own weird ways. So I'll try and write positive things now. Omit the negativity.

Today, I had lunch with Adam. I like eating with him because my appetite is bigger. Maybe because he looks like a happy eater (is there such a thing???). Now I'm back home planning to watch Vampire Diaries. I watched this series since January and I've been bugging Adam to watch it too. And he did. Now he's hooked. We were watching last night and he said, "Bakit ang dami naman vampires", hmmm.....yeah, but here in our country mga aswang lang. Jejemons.

Well, it's my mom's birthday today. I hope she's happy.

Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister

The start of my 2010 was like shit. I lost my job; my depression got out of hand... I was so lost that I seemed to sulk most of the time. This is one big adjustment for me. 1. Because I had a job which pays good, I was always financially secure. Not in the sense that I can live and survive on my own just enough to get by my simple pleasures like good junk food and books. Now I have to save what little money I have left just to ride through this period of defeat and turmoil. 2. I wouldn't get to see Adam everyday at the office. I got so used to seeing him that a sudden change made me anxious. 3. The fact that the reason I lost my job was because of a group of bitches who didn't like me (not because of my performance whatsoever... I felt inferior just because I was disliked though I never did anything wrong. I do not deny the fact that these things break my heart a bit, because they did chip off a piece of it. But all I can do is move forward, because the time never runs backward. I have no choice. So no matter how hard it is to accept, no matter how hard I try, I will give it all I've got. If I fail, then I'll try again. I will not give in to my unreasonable sense of pessimism.

Anyway, last Thursday was great because I got to eat breakfast with Adam again, after a very long time. I got to see my friend Lora too, who stayed overnight at our house. Then last Friday I got to watch Sherlock Holmes (I'm a big fan). AND, Adam helped me buy a book. Well, he offered to pay for it but I felt guilty...so I payed half. (Thank you so much!!! I love you!)

If I Were the God of Today

If it were up to me to make whatever I want of my day, it would be like this:

I'll wake up around 8 in the morning, lounge around my room; watch TV. I'll take a shower and leave the house. Probably I'll meet up with one of my most favorite person, L...and the love of my life, A. Drink coffee...the strongest kind. We will have intellectually stimulating conversations on nothing really specific...then go shoot with our cameras. Have lunch. Then go to the movies...after that, do nothing at all...read, write, draw, think...whichever suits your fancy. Then have dinner...then who knows...whatever.

But today is:

Woke up 5 in the morning, took a shower, drove my brother to school, drove mom to work, went to work...IN at 6:57 AM. Sat around checked my Facebook account; played Farmville for a while. Drank coffee, ate bread. Today's itinerary is:

1. Evaluation Matrix of Office Furniture
2. Documentations and Certifications
3. Requisition Purchases

After this, I'll have to go pick my brother up, go home and wait for Adam's call. Then read a bit and sleep.

If I were the God of today.... I could do what I wanted. But I'm only me, that's my limitation.
I have to BREATHE IN and BREATHE OUT. I can't keep on hating the world, as it hates me already.

Damn pessimism.

It sucks the fun out of everything.

The Lightness of Being

I have always been the fat kid. Never attractive, zero appeal. I grew up like this. It never used to matter until I learned of the opposite sex. That what they wanted were the goddesses on TV, not the normal people walking on earth. But most of those who chase goddesses often fail, for they are human too...so they find something close to perfection. And I was far from that. So due to the influence of media goddesses, I had the drive not to be one, but be close to one. Then came the cruel years of self-deprivation, self-pity...and never has any of it been enough. I thought this was what I wanted, the daily battle in my head...to change. I was never satisfied...I thought I was looking great...I didn't know when enough was enough. Now, I'm just an ugly heap of flesh and bones.

Cry. I never used to cry a lot. Whatever bad feeling, I put it in a box, mark it and save it for later. I could do this easily because I've denied myself happiness...my own WRONG theory is this: I refuse to be happy because I could lose everything, if I'm unhappy all the time I won't have to lose anything...and I thought this makes everything easier...I'm dead wrong. I end up hurting the special people in my life. It never crossed my mind that holding back gives them the impression that everything they do for me is never enough...though I always say it is.

Just last night I had another crying spree. And this is new:

"Hindi ka na bata, kung may problema wag mong itago, sabihin mo. Pag-usapan natin."

I was never the talker, maybe this is the reason why I harbor so much negativity, because there is no outlet....it doesn't come out and it gets condensed. It took me a long time to accept that my theory is not correct. Just not..and it will never be.

It's a great comfort to have someone who tries and gives everything just to help me out, because my neuro-synapses just don't work well. Someone who tells me frankly that I am not always right, and that its okay to make mistakes...that the important thing is that we learn from those mistakes.

But last night, I think I failed again. And I fail most of the time. I don't want to quit trying though, because the world would be such a waste.

This morning I felt so stupid trying to learn about using off-cam flash. I have never used any type of flash in my life. Only natural light. I get the concept, yeah....but not really how it works. Because what I get looks artificial, unlike those pros who get something impressive. Well, who am I to complain, I'm no pro...hehe. I feel so lazy today, and I'm not okay so probably this post would be good for nothing.

Today I bought a book on illustration. I haven't really drawn anything for years, and it seems as if my hand forgot how to make pictures. So I'll try to work on this a bit more....got to use that sketchbook from Boston. I also bought something for Adam, not because I feel bad for screwing up last night, I just want to give him something today, which he will receive tomorrow.

Adam and I went to buy Christmas gifts yesterday.

My Days Start at 6:00 AM

My Days Start at 6:00 AM

6:00 AM- I drive to work to see you, you wait.

6:30 AM- We eat breakfast together.

8:00 AM- I work; you go home.

9:00 AM- I work; you sleep.

10:00 AM- I pretend to work; you sleep.

11:00 AM- I pretend to work, but actually play Farmville; you sleep.

12:00 NN- I am left at my desk eating alone; you sleep.

1:00 PM- I pretend to work, while I read Sandman (current literary companion); you still sleep (though this varies).

2:00 PM- I work a bit, but I browse the net more; around this time you wake up.

3:00 PM- I do nothing, sit around waiting for 4:30. Usually you read, or do errands, whatever.

4:00 PM- around this time I begin to miss you more than I already do because I know I’m going home by myself, but it’s okay; You used to go pick me up and bring me home, but I guess this week it will only happen tomorrow.

5:00 PM- We wait for my brother, and go home.

6:00 PM- We either watch nonsense on TV, or browse the net for a while. We play with Yuki.

7:00 PM- We do much the same as we did 6:00.

8:00 PM- We eat.

9:00 PM- You go to work, I take a bath then wait for you to call.

10:00 PM- You call me to tell me you’re at the office, I wait for your next call.

11:00 PM- We talk on the phone.

12:00 MN- We Sleep.

1:00 AM- If I’m not asleep, I try to; you say you sleep but I don’t know if you’re working on something at the office.

2:00 AM- If I’m not asleep, I try to; you say you sleep but I don’t know if you’re working on something at the office.

3:00 AM- If I’m not asleep, I try to; you say you sleep but I don’t know if you’re working on something at the office.

4:00 AM- If I’m not asleep, I try to; you say you sleep but I don’t know if you’re working on something at the office.

5:00 AM- I wake up and take a bath, probably at this time you’re working.

Note: There are more You’s and I’s in my day. I look forward to the day that there would be a 23:1 ratio of WE’s to I’s and You’s. When we first started, there were more WE’s, but that doesn’t really matter because I know he loves me more each day. I know this not because he tells me, I just feel it.

So there’s a high probability that this Christmas will be a happy one. No, I take it back, it’s not just a HIGH PROBABILITY…I am absolutely sure that it will be. Not just because Christmas has always been my favorite time of the year; now I have someone to share it with. Ayos no?

For the past few days, me and Lora have been talking (…I haven’t seen her since our UP day off…when I was so used to seeing her almost every day). Lora and I have been talking about issues concerning self-worth. It has been a sick cycle ever since we met. We are very different, yet so much alike…this is one reason why I talk to her about the crap going on in my head. She gets it. So we were talking….and she showed me this blog by someone she knows. The entries were so direct that it tinted me green with envy. I prefer it if I could tell the world everything inside my head and not be judged. Though I know not a lot read this, probably no one even does, but still I couldn’t bring myself to write in such a manner that bares my soul. In example, I write some truth about myself or the things I do, with the way I was raised I’d be going straight to hell—well not literally, I might just lose shelter. Subsequently it’s like I’m living a double life, in a way. The me at home is still me, yet the other half of myself conceals itself in laughter and obedience. I’m 25 yet I deny most things to save my family from damages. I am mostly myself outside, and really me with certain people. I want to change this, I need LIBERTY. Two days ago we made a pact, if ever there is an ONLINE PINKY SWEAR, to just let go and be who we are. Now, it’s as if the pact never happened. Hahahaha. Back to dear old insecurities. Adam knows this about me, and he’s helped a lot, showing me my worth….not just as his significant other, but as a whole. And it is such a comfort to me. I try my hardest, if not the best. And I’ll get there, somehow. I told Lora this:

“Edi magsulat nalang tayo ng kahit anong gusto natin!”

I asked Adam this a few months back, if it is okay for me to still continue to write and post stuff that I like…..he said, YOU CAN POST ANYTHING YOU WANT, with a smile. I hope he means it, not just because it is the answer he thinks I want.

It took me 2 hours to finish my PAN-ROASTED PORK LOIN ON ITALIAN COUNTRY BREAD sandwich!!! I’m reading about photography again! It’s remarkable that Adam and I share an interest in Photography. When we met, I didn’t know. So it’s something we have in common, but we each have our own approach. It’s something I share with Lora too. The thing is it has to have passion, I know I shouldn’t meddle with other people’s affairs but it irks me to see some who claim to love photography yet what they only have are fine cameras. I won’t elaborate on this.

INTERMISSION: Another thing, I want to smoke. But as Adam and I have discussed, I could only do this when he’s with me—due to health reasons. So, there, I won’t…just wanted to let it out before I lose it.

Before I stop all this bullcrap, here are some pictures I found from our Boston trip:

Appreciating art at the Museaum of Fine Arts. Where they compressed 4 years of my college education!

Artifacts from Greece.

The Greatest Thing You'll Ever Learn is Just to Love and Be Loved In Return

I guess it’s really me. Everything that goes wrong, it’s me. Since I was a child….it’s me. I wish I could defend myself, but I won’t. Because this time, it really is me. And it hurts, so much more every time that it is me. It’s just automatic. There is no ON/OFF switch in my dumb head. I refuse to believe that my brain went haywire somewhere along the way. I always ask myself: why so much self-loathing? Self-pity?

And I still don’t have an exact answer—though I have fragments of ideas. But this has to end now, because I’m starting to inflict pain towards other people, not just myself. To someone I love.

To love. In one of my favorite movies, there is a line that pulls at my heart—it never fails to on all occasions that I watch it. “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return,”.

Well enough, I know myself well enough. And I know how much I can give and it’s boundless. I won’t hold back, not because I was told to….but because it is right; not because I have to…but because I want to.

I’ll give everything that I’ve got, nothing less.

I’m sorry I hurt you.

I love you.

November 13, 2008

It's Always Better When We're Together

There's no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard
No song I could sing
But I can try for your heart
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
Like a, shoebox of photographs
With sepiatone loving
Love is the answer,
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? and where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and
Sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing its always better when we're together