Rainy Weekend

It was a very wet weekend, though I love that kind of weather I feel bad for others who were affected by it. Also, I was worried about my parents' flight from Vietnam. All is good though, they were able to arrive safely back home. It was a long weekend for Adam, since the floods weren't really as friendly to get him to his office...so we just stayed in and finished the whole second season of The Vampire Diaries since I have been a fan of that show since it began.

Also, I have been reading a book by Danielle Trusonni, entitled "Angelology" which is turning out to be a great find.

Back to normal today, bed rest...alone...and the weather's hot too.

From Baby's Daddy

Yesterday, Adam sent me a message saying he's going out to buy something for our baby. I was touched and surprised by this because I rarely see men go shopping for babies. I couldn't go out much these days, and we haven't completed the things we need. I was very impressed about his decision making regarding what to buy. He bought a Chicco sterilizer and going-home outfits for our little one :)

We are really very excited, time seems to go by so slowly.......patience....patience....patience....

On the other hand, I feel happy that my nephew, Jammie, got stars on his first day of pre-school :)

Custom Made

I miss coffee and tea very much. It's been 8 months since I had a cup. Coffee and tea are like water to me; it keeps my mind sharp and gives me energy through the day. Also, I miss wearing my clothes! I am very confident that I'd be able to fit in them again. But I swear, after I give birth I'd have these clothes custom made for me:

I can't wait, not just to fit into my clothes...but to meet our baby :)

Baby Shower :)

Last weekend, my cousins and mom gave me a baby shower. I am very thankful for the people who were able to come. Most were unexpected, really. Like my male friends from college, I was really surprised they made it...and it made me so happy! Also some of Adam's friends :) And of course, my whole family!

Me and Adam are very very excited...just about a month more to go. Everyday I pray for a safe delivery and a healthy baby. Most gifts were pink and girly as two ultrasounds indicated that most probably its a female ( hopefully female as all the gifts are cute :D)

Sharing the things our baby got:

We feel that our little angel is very loved. Thank you so much everyone! :)

The wait becomes longer as we get nearer D day!!!! I am getting so impatient. Yesterday, I was advised by the doctor to get lots of bed rest...no baby shopping just yet. Well, I hope things get better soon.

Our Wedding March 26, 2011

Sharing the SDE from one of the most happiest day of my life :)

ADAM / JOANA [sde] from blacktieproject on Vimeo.

Everyday Look

I woke up this morning with a bad start, though I won't mention why because every time I remember it I want to cry. It's just frustrating how someone else's stupidity could affect you. Anyway, there are other things to look forward to today like... Adam's coming home from a work-related travel, the weather is gloomy...non-stop rain...but I'm loving it...and...I could download as much as I want since my brothers aren't here to hog the net speed. I have a lot of time to kill.

Last night I felt like a stupid kid, as most know I am currently without a job...and I find it hard to tell Adam I want to spend money on something since I have no means of replenishing it as of now. I was browsing through magazines out of boredom; hence, I made tons of mental bookmarks on things that I want to have (or need to have...I am currently confused with WANT and NEED haha). So I texted him about it and was nervous for his reply...even putting, "it's okay if you say no", because I was so shy to ask. Well, he said okay we could buy as long as I do not get shy about those things anymore. I tried to explain that I was used to just buying because I had a job prior to my pregnancy. Well, I just have to find work again after this. I am very thankful that Adam understands, as he was the one who persuaded me to quit my job for our baby (the first trimester wasn't really going great for us...so much complications that I needed to rest). Don't get me wrong, I rarely ask for things because material things don't really make me happy...there are just some that cheer me up these days as I am eagerly looking forward to D day.

So much time to kill alone that I formulated an EVERYDAY LOOK for myself which would make me look "motherly" as I am soon going to be a mom (hahahahaha). I opened up my new vanity case (which Adam bought for me hehe) and picked key makeup items that I need, like 2 shades of eyeshadow, mascara, eyeliner pencil, loose powder, blush, and 2 shades of lipsticks that I mixed together because I lack the budget to buy the shade I want. Prior to putting all these on my face, I washed it clean and applied tinted moisturizer. I was tempted to put on falsies...but I didn't...sayang e...hehe I'm not even going out. Here is what happened:

I don't know if it's noticeable, I only used the cam on my phone as Adam brought the lens I need with him in La Union. So this will be my mommy look hahahaha.

What do you think?

Also, I am getting addicted to this song since my brother always plays it...and it's always on MYX! I do not deny that I am a fan of anything Japanese or Korean :)

Experiment: Black

Obviously, I'm getting bigger by the day....only about 9 weeks to go anyway. Maybe I should avoid mirrors? Nah. It just feels funny dancing to music knowing my tummy is bulging like crazy hahahaha, I guess I'll avoid dancing for now.

Anyway, I was planning to take a walk...but it rained hard, so maybe later. I was stuck inside the house again...and I got bored watching TV, I got tired fixing the room, and day dreaming of D day...so I decided to clean the new vanity case Adam bought for all my makeup (thank you Adam!) and I ended up making more of a mess since I decided to do another experiment on my face. Today I wasn't so lazy to finish my entire face. And this is what happened:

It kinda reminds me of someone...or a type of makeup used by Kpop artists. ..I should've done my hair too, but it's so hot I could faint. Good thing my face hasn't bloated over the months...

I could only take pictures of my face these days as I am literally bigger.

Now, I should clean my brushes. I am very interested in doing more makeup work, but my condition is quite delicate as I am near giving birth. I am very excited, yet nervous since this is the first time I get to do that hah!

On another note...this has been playing on MYX....and by now I've memorized the whole song!!!! I should have majored in Japanese!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uN5v61brFKk

Baby Socks...etc...

It's been a while...yes, I am really not in the mood to write or anything because this day isn't turning out to be what I expected it to be. I'm just trying to cheer myself up. I tried watching on our newly purchased TV (for Adam's birthday)...but it isn't working. It started with a phone call, and then a text message...SURPRISE.... nasisira na araw ko. So I just tried to tidy up a bit for lack of anything to do. I've read too much books, watched too much DVDs, reread every status update on FB. And another thing is I TRIED ON MY OLD SHORTS AND DIDN'T LIKE WHAT I SAW. Okay, I shouldn't have....but it's not the time to worry about that. Hopefully, I'll be back to my pre-pregnancy size in no time...and I will do everything I can to achieve this in two short months after I give birth. Hehehehe

Anyway...I just want to share:

These are baby socks I bought because I am very excited. I just bought one...okay two hehe, and they are both colored yellow because after 2 ultrasounds they are still having a hard time seeing if it's a boy or a girl...though they always tell us it's probably a girl. Well, there are days when I'm down for whatever reasons...and I look at these. They are so cute.

Changes

Today, I decided to change the theme of my blog. It's been plain black for years and I just got bored. I am not one who fancies colors, but because of some events in my life, I just couldn't resist. Yesterday was a disappointment; today is somewhat disappointing too. But if I weigh the positives against the negatives...the disappointments do not matter. As for what transpired yesterday...I was scheduled for a 4D ultrasound and I've been excited and ecstatic for a week. Me and Adam were very punctual as I was scheduled at around 4-6 PM. So we waited, very sure we'd get what we were there for. I felt that there was something wrong when the lady there informed me that their "probe" was stored and that a doctor who left accidentally brought the key. She told me to wait since the doc was driving the key back. So we waited...and waited... and finally I was called! I couldn't hide the smile on my face...from ear to ear. I was asked to lie down, put my shirt up...the doctor who was doing the procedure even put the gel on my tummy already...and she said that the "probe" was having an error with the machine. They tried to fix it, and told me they'd just use another probe instead. So I was still very sure I was getting a 4D! But I was so disappointed that they were showing me a 2D ultrasound...they even finished the whole process without telling me it wasn't in 4D. After that, they asked me to go back the next day to get the results, it was weird because all my past ultrasounds gave the prints right after the procedure. So the negativity was drowning me. Disappointment aside, we still got to see our baby's face. And that 'she' is healthy. I was asked to get an ultrasound because the OB said I was measuring kind of small for 7 months...but it feels good to know that baby's just the right size. We've already picked a name , though it's going to be a surprise :) From books and information I've gathered, our baby should be weighing around 3lbs...and baby weighs around that value.

Here 'she' is:

I don't know if it's visible...but what you will see are the nose and the mouth :)

CUTE!!!!!

Love Yourself

Love yourself. These two words are easy to say, yet hard to do for a number of people. For some, it is easier to make a list of things you dislike about yourself than things that you do like about yourself...even accepting compliments don't come easy; where we can just simply smile and say 'Thank you', we usually utter these set of words instead, 'hindi naman', don't we? I myself am this way. I find so many wrong things where I am the only one concerned, and nobody else even gives a damn.

I thought that when I am in a relationship, this would all vanish...when I finally find someone who would love me for me, no changes. Funnily, nothing changed, even after a long period...there would be instances where a simple I feel ugly and fat would turn into an overnight war between me and him. Him always telling me there is nothing wrong with me, and me telling him that even though he says that this is still the way I feel and nothing seems to make me feel better. Maybe I was waiting for myself to grow up, even just a bit.

It is no surprise that I am made up of so many eating disorders and I have this obsession with working out even in the wee hours of the night...that I count every calorie that goes in my mouth...but goes unnoticed because I can easily divert other people's attention into another topic rather than finishing my food, or eating anything at all. I'm good at blocking hunger with movies, art, books, exercise....and some other bad things. And this has been an on-going battle for more than ten years.

Though I had to grow up in an instant, once I got the news that I'm pregnant. Guilt weighed more. A few weeks into the pregnancy I was still on a strict diet (meaning I still starved myself)...but thinking about the welfare of the baby, or my baby, weighed so much more. So I changed the way I ate. I was banned from exercise on up until the fourth month due to some complications, but by the fifth month I was allowed to walk. So there. I manage with a 30 minute walk daily. And I can say...I'm okay.

There are just times when the negative things sink in; nights when I'd still pester Adam that I'm becoming a big blob...or that I'm turning hideous...there was an instance when a clothing of mine wouldn't button up and I showed it to him crying, 'hindi na kasya saakin Adam, ang laki laki ko na', to which he laughed at me and said I looked cute. Which made me feel worse because I'm trying to find comfort yet all I get is a laugh. Or there would be instances I'd tell him I don't want to go out because I feel ugly. In spite of these things, Adam helps me through. There is not one day that he makes me feel less, even though I'm a few sizes up or that my waistline is bigger than his. Everyday he reminds me that I am beautiful, that I'll always be...and that what he sees is what matters, not everyone else's. He never fails to make me feel special, just like a princess. He always makes time for me, and our baby. Last Tuesday he asked me out to dinner and a movie...and I was curious why he asked so suddenly, and he said it was because we've been married for a month...this gesture was sweet and I felt very special. Also, he makes it a point to join me during check-ups with the doctor.

All these gestures and words are the things that help me become stronger, and these things help me love myself...just the way I am.

Coincidentally, we watched "BEASTLY" that Tuesday night...and that was the exact message.

Love is never ugly.

The Lovely Vanne Leon

It's been a long time since I've worked on anything related to pictures...due to hormones and pregnancy discomforts....but I'm beginning to adapt...as late as now. Last Sunday, me and Adam joined a shoot...so I had a chance to create something new.

There's Just This Thing Inside Me

I know by heart I am a good person, and lately (for the past year or so)...I find that part of my heart turns black sometimes. I used to be contented with everything, and I don't know when it learned to doubt...or when it started to have a bad wishlist, like my to-kill-list. Wishing ill of someone was never my forte, but sad to say, the list is there. If I don't come or grow to like you, then most likely you'd find your name there. And I feel bad about this because it seems out of my control...and everyday, I cry out to God, "HELP ME".

New Things

Joana Sison McGee is my new name.

And it makes me happy :)

So far, after the hectic weekend...I managed to get sick. I'm kind of scared because I know I can't get sick because I'm pregnant. But what can I do, but rest and drink lots of water. Yesterday I was really feeling so bad. I had a clogged nose and my throat hurts like hell.

I spent the day reading and sleeping and waiting for myself to get better. When Adam came home I was such a mess, but I had no choice...I looked sick. Because we know that I couldn't drink just any medication, he just made me laugh by saying funny things...and though I know he hates it when I make him dance...he did...and that made me happy--because he did it to make me laugh. It's one of the things I love about him...when he becomes selfless just so he can show me how much he loves me (though I already know how much).

Last Saturday was our wedding...it was very very hectic and a bit stressful that we almost had a fight through SMS (thank God I was very much in control at that time hehe). The morning was so busy with makeup, photoshoots, the video....but good thing my family (plus my two cousins) made me laugh the whole time. I wasn't nervous or anything. Not until me and my two cousins were waiting at the bridal car and one of them said she was nervous. Contagious. The bridal car was parked far from the entrance of the church, but I could see how busy Adam was with fixing the entourage...making sure everything was perfect. He's been telling me for days that he wants this day to be perfect for us, and I always tell him (when he gets stressed) that whatever happens it will be perfect...because it was him and me. Cheeeeeeesy...I know :)

Time went by so fast, before I knew it I was walking down the aisle. No time to shed my tears of joy...I was so worried about falling or tripping. We prepared vows to read, but the priest skipped the part. So we just gave what we wrote to each other.

The reception was fun, I haven't seen friends for so long and I'm glad to see them. I'm glad they came...though I did not have time to go around the tables to greet them...I hope they understand. I am really grateful.

Adam and I spent 2 nights at the hotel...eating and eating and eating :) And laughing and posting the photobooth pictures on FB.

Thank you to everyone who helped us with the occasion and to those who came.

It's a Wonder

I had a very special weekend. For the first time, I saw our baby that developed from a tiny dot (from my last ultrasound, December 2010) to a tiny human-like form. We saw our baby move, the tech said that we have an active baby. We saw the eyes, lips, and nose; the hands with tiny fingers; the feet with tiny toes. We saw the heart, complete with four chambers; the stomach bubble. The tech also said it's most likely a girl :)

It's very heart-warming to have seen this. It made me happy knowing that 'she' is healthy and so far, has no problems. I do already feel 'her' move a lot, usually when I'm about to sleep or when I'm not moving.

It's one great blessing that we've been given, a very special gift :)

Grateful

I may not have been vocally appreciative due to multiple discomforts caused by hormones, but in my heart I am grateful to my family and friends who have been very happy and supportive. Also, to Adam who has been the greatest since way back, even before our baby :) I've never met a guy so understanding, considerate, thoughtful, responsible, kind, patient....and many many more. I think more guys should be like him. I feel very lucky to have him in my life. I know he's tired from work, but still he is taking me out tonight to watch "Red Riding Hood" :)

Thank you Adam!

Happy Baby

That's me when I was a baby, I just never thought I'd be a mother someday too. I used to give up on life very easily...but not lately. Thanks to all the blessings God has given me :) also, for the love that keeps me strong everyday.

Who To Look Like

(Adam and Me....well, I think I'm bigger hehehe)

I do not deny that I am excited to see who our baby would look like. I do wish it looks like Adam, but then with a bit of me, I do not know what me and him put together would look like; anything is okay with me as long as he/she is healthy.

Bia

I haven't been working on my photos lately....I've been hibernating due to severe mood swings. So on days I'm comfortable, I do try to make things beautiful.

That Happy Ever After

Hi. I haven’t blogged for a few months now, due to work. Wonder why I am blogging right now? It is because I’ve resigned from my job. It wasn’t that I was discontented, or that the job was hard; there are just things in my life now that are more significant which I am about to share. A

nd it is pure bliss in spite of the discomforts I am experiencing due to another news I am about to divulge.

A few months back, me and my cousin (Mel) went to Palawan with her boyfriend, Genson; and of course, Adam. Their flight home was in the morning, and ours was in the afternoon, so me and Adam had the day to ourselves. I was clueless on the events that were to transpire. He’s been asking me if we could go to a beach. We had nothing on schedule so it was alright. We packed our things and rode down a nearby beach; we brought lunch with us too. But because of our great stay, I was having the blues, still not wanting to go home. I didn’t want to go back to reality yet—that I was jobless and that some other things were just on my mind. We took pictures and we walked, we took our lunch….and suddenly I couldn’t hold my emotions in; it was just like when the tide comes in. I cried. He asked me why, and I did say that I was feeling stuck in my life, and that there is this big hole which just sucks me in. So he consoled me…the best he can and my cries turned into sobs. I excused myself to freshen up. When I was okay, he asked me to go walk with him. And we sat face to face, him facing the sea, and I facing him. I couldn’t remember much because it was surreal to me. I was still sobbing and he was still consoling me, he put his arms around me and he was telling me something I couldn’t understand….I only was able to comprehend it when I broke away from his arms and saw his lips moving, saying this exactly’ “Gusto mo ba maging wife ko?”.To which I responded with a blank stare, my mind froze. He repeated the question, just when I saw him holding a ring in front of me, which he said he has been holding for the longest time. There was no other answer for me, because back then, I knew he was the one. I was so shocked, that I almost choked with a single word, “YES”….and I couldn’t help but cry. This was one of the most memorable days of my life. All my worries and fears just went away.

I decided to tell my family around my birthday, but God has his way with things, and this is how my life mapped out. A few weeks before my day, God has blessed me with an advanced birthday gift (which is also an advanced Christmas present for Adam)…a baby. We are having a baby. I had mixed feelings at fist, happy because every child is a miracle from God, and that I know Adam is happy too; scared because I was afraid my parents wouldn’t be able to understand why when I was engaged would I have a child before a wedding? But life works in ways we don’t always get to control. So we decided to let the holidays pass before we told them.

I am very thankful that I have supportive brothers who helped in breaking the news to my parents. Who both were very understanding, who told Adam and I that what matters is that we are happy. So now, even though I deal with the headaches, fatigue and nausea almost 24 hours everyday…I am happy, knowing that while I am at home taking care of myself and our child (still in my tummy), Adam is working for us and that at the end of the day we’d be together sharing the happiness and the love between us.

This was last December, at 7 weeks 4 days. Now I’m at 14 weeks 2 days.

These days I am busy resting, and working on our wedding :) I can never be more blessed.

Now....

I'm stuck in a rut. It's the another year and I have a lot to think about. Well, as most people....though things will take a turn for me this year. I know so. And I have to brace myself for the good fight. I've spent years learning to be brave about small things....much more with bigger things... though, there is not much difference anyway; being brave is just being brave. I will get to the bottom of this in die time. I promise.

I am facing a lot of changes I can't wait to share to most people, but for now my lips are zipped...until the right time comes.

I know one of the biggest change I have to face is still the same, learning to love myself whatever happens. I am changing bit by bit, but hey...it's still me...and people who have come to love me the way I am will always do. Life is good.