Mommy

Now that I am a mom myself, I appreciate my mom more and more. It’s not just sacrifice for your little one, but unconditional love that you feel. Unfortunately, after my c-section…my wound got infected—the reason why I had on-and-off fevers these past few days. It was pure horror yesterday when I came in for my post-delivery checkup. My OB pressed on my wound over and over until all the pus came out. It was very painful. At first I was giving my best to not cry. I was making disturbing sounds just to ease my own pain…and I ended up crying like a baby. After the wound was dressed I felt a bit relieved. Though there was still pain and awkwardness every time I moved, upon hearing my baby cry…I immediately forgot everything and picked her up. I guess this is how all mothers feel. After the long wait of 9 months, the hard labor, and whatever form of delivery…those little angels are still the top priority.

When I got home yesterday, I was still so shocked about what had been done to my wound that I sent a text to my mom telling her I was paranoid about it. Wherein she called me to reassure me everything will be okay, that it had happened to her when she had me. I told her I didn’t want dad to be the one to dress my wound at home (since he’s a surgeon I am very intimidated); I made her promise that she’d be the one to look at my wound. It was a long night…dad finally came home. I was crying inconsolably, and was hyperventilating due to nervousness. I asked Adam to hold my hand. But I was still scared. And there was my mom, holding on to me like I was still her little girl. And it meant so much to me. To have a very loving and supportive mom who was with me every step of the way (of course…my dad and specially my husband too).

So I salute all mothers and all moms-to-be!

In a State of Surrender

Now I know what it is like to be in a state of surrender.

I have been waiting for labor to start since week 37…then 38…nothing. I was hoping to give birth on the 39^th week. I was so sure, that every little discomfort I felt I mistook for a sign of labor. We went for our 40^th week appointment, with a little impatience, because I was not progressing into my labor. So the doctor gave us an option…if we wanted an induction or if we would still wait. From baby’s ultrasound, which gave an average weight of 8.93 lbs…I got so scared she might not fit into my birth canal if she got any bigger. So we scheduled for me to be induced.

A NOT SO GREAT EXPERIENCE BUT…..

I was scheduled to go to the hospital August 08, 2011. That afternoon they already started to induce me. I had to have not eaten for 6 hours, and then had an enema which was butt torture!!!! Then they hooked me up on oxytocin to start my contractions. I was in from 4PM until 12 MN…and nothing. We started again the next day…

AUGUST 09, 2011

They started my oxytocin drip again at 8AM. My doctor told me that around 11AM she’d rupture my water bag to trigger stronger contractions. My husband, parents, and I had already decided that whatever happens after the bag has been ruptured…we go on. So I was brought to the delivery room and the doc broke my bag. A few minutes after…I got a full blown contraction…which was out of my pain threshold, but I was doing my best not to shout or cry…I was trying to be brave. Since my mom is a doctor, she was able to accompany me just to hold my hand. I had intense contractions every 2 minutes for 2 hours!!! And when they checked….I had dilated to 6-7cms. But still, the baby won’t go down because of her size. I was willing to go on with the labor process to have a natural birth. I was administered Demerol and 2 other drugs which made me so high I though I was still speaking, though everyone told me I was out of it. I could hear and see everything that was happening. I saw my dad arrive (he’s a surgeon too and he wanted to be a part of the birth to see if both baby and I are okay). The final decision was made…I was rushed to the OR for a C Section. I was so scared of the process. I saw people in scrub suits, masks, etc….my hands were tied to the sides. I felt like a pig in a slaughter house. The last thing that I remember was being scared of the spinal block…when it was about to be given I was knocked out instantly.

I woke up immediately after hearing my baby cry…I saw her being cleaned, checked…saw my mom taking photos, my dad documenting the moment (which I might upload soon)….then they put baby beside me! My first thought was…she looks so much like my husband, and so cute and adorable. I was so happy that I borrowed my mom’s phone…transferred photos to my phone…and instantly uploaded a picture via twitter. I texted my husband that our baby looks like him. I replied to my cousins who sent me messages…all this while being stitched up. LOL. I know phones aren’t allowed in the OR but my parents were there and they were the ones holding on to the phones. What luck!

I am very thankful, grateful, and blessed….

For having a great team of doctors,

For having such giving parents who spent all their time trying to ease my pains and making my fears go away…

Most of all, for having such a loving husband who always thinks of me first, giving me so much love that I felt I could do it all even if I was so scared….who is still taking good care of me after my surgery….also, helping me take care of our baby.

ONE EXPERIENCE I WILL CHERISH FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

FOR MADELEINE BEAN S. MCGEE:

I was so happy when I found out I was going to have you.

Even if I was puking my guts out on the first trimester.

Even if I was gaining weight on the second.

Even if I was moody and found it hard to move on the third trimester.

Everyday we talked.

We laugh and cry together.

Everyday I wondered if you’d look more like me or your daddy.

I did not have a wonderful birth experience, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I love you so much little Bean

Don't Lose Hope in Love

I was looking through my old blog and found an entry last 2005 where I wrote:

maybe God is still busy writing the best love story for me. So I'll sit and wait and pray. PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE..........as they say.

Well, God indeed was so busy writing it for me that I got my love story around 2009. It was worth the wait though. Yes there were times I'd get frustrated because I wasn't particularly interested in anyone. Literally. Not one man gave me that hummingbird heartbeat. There were guys who were brave enough to confess their feelings and it was so hard to turn them down, because some of them have become my friends...and I knew if I tell them I was only into their friendship, I'd lose them. But sometimes we just have to do the things we do. God works in weird ways. And my love story is as unique as those who have found their true loves.

I have been bumping into this guy in the office, and I have a habit of saying HI to anyone I run into even if I do not know them. This particular guy never said hi back. But I never knew I'd come to like him, even love him...because I found him arrogant...and not so PINOY. Lol. Then I heard about a guy who wants to be introduced to me, just out of curiosity I went out of my way to give him a visit and I'd like to think we became good friends. I was surprised that the guy whom I found arrogant was this guy's friend. But I gave it no mind. Every time I take time out of my day to hangout with them arrogant guy always talks to me, entertains me...more than anyone around. Well, that kind of caught my attention...and it was then I started to have interest. Though I heard a lot of negative things about him, I wasn't really ready to get into a relationship. I was not hoping for one. I was hoping for friendship so to say. Little did I know he felt the same. And it started there. Because things were complicated then, we used to hide....or go out after office hours so people won't see. Until we fix things. And we did. God wrote me a very colorful love story...so vivid that now I am married to that guy, who I know I love so much, and loves me as much.

So to those who feel hopeless, again :

maybe God is still busy writing the best love story for me. So I'll sit and wait and pray. PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE..........as they say.

Just a Few More Weeks

I haven't been doing much of anything lately, since obviously...I find it hard to move around. No driving, no long walks, no long travels...I already walk like a penguin due to my huge bump. I find it quite dragging to wait for the DAY (which is approximately...2 weeks more). I'm excited and scared at the same time. Well, more excited actually.

The days are going by so slow that I've developed some sort of routine...which involves reading, watching, cleaning, experimenting with makeup...that's pretty much it. Everything's ready. Baby's clothes and blankets and other apparel are washed, the crib is all set up...I'm still mentally brain washing myself of the pain I am trying not to anticipate (hehehe)....all hospital bags are ready! We're just waiting for our daughter to come.

Nearing the finish line now.

Rainy Weekend

It was a very wet weekend, though I love that kind of weather I feel bad for others who were affected by it. Also, I was worried about my parents' flight from Vietnam. All is good though, they were able to arrive safely back home. It was a long weekend for Adam, since the floods weren't really as friendly to get him to his office...so we just stayed in and finished the whole second season of The Vampire Diaries since I have been a fan of that show since it began.

Also, I have been reading a book by Danielle Trusonni, entitled "Angelology" which is turning out to be a great find.

Back to normal today, bed rest...alone...and the weather's hot too.

From Baby's Daddy

Yesterday, Adam sent me a message saying he's going out to buy something for our baby. I was touched and surprised by this because I rarely see men go shopping for babies. I couldn't go out much these days, and we haven't completed the things we need. I was very impressed about his decision making regarding what to buy. He bought a Chicco sterilizer and going-home outfits for our little one :)

We are really very excited, time seems to go by so slowly.......patience....patience....patience....

On the other hand, I feel happy that my nephew, Jammie, got stars on his first day of pre-school :)

Custom Made

I miss coffee and tea very much. It's been 8 months since I had a cup. Coffee and tea are like water to me; it keeps my mind sharp and gives me energy through the day. Also, I miss wearing my clothes! I am very confident that I'd be able to fit in them again. But I swear, after I give birth I'd have these clothes custom made for me:

I can't wait, not just to fit into my clothes...but to meet our baby :)

Baby Shower :)

Last weekend, my cousins and mom gave me a baby shower. I am very thankful for the people who were able to come. Most were unexpected, really. Like my male friends from college, I was really surprised they made it...and it made me so happy! Also some of Adam's friends :) And of course, my whole family!

Me and Adam are very very excited...just about a month more to go. Everyday I pray for a safe delivery and a healthy baby. Most gifts were pink and girly as two ultrasounds indicated that most probably its a female ( hopefully female as all the gifts are cute :D)

Sharing the things our baby got:

We feel that our little angel is very loved. Thank you so much everyone! :)

The wait becomes longer as we get nearer D day!!!! I am getting so impatient. Yesterday, I was advised by the doctor to get lots of bed rest...no baby shopping just yet. Well, I hope things get better soon.

Our Wedding March 26, 2011

Sharing the SDE from one of the most happiest day of my life :)

ADAM / JOANA [sde] from blacktieproject on Vimeo.

Everyday Look

I woke up this morning with a bad start, though I won't mention why because every time I remember it I want to cry. It's just frustrating how someone else's stupidity could affect you. Anyway, there are other things to look forward to today like... Adam's coming home from a work-related travel, the weather is gloomy...non-stop rain...but I'm loving it...and...I could download as much as I want since my brothers aren't here to hog the net speed. I have a lot of time to kill.

Last night I felt like a stupid kid, as most know I am currently without a job...and I find it hard to tell Adam I want to spend money on something since I have no means of replenishing it as of now. I was browsing through magazines out of boredom; hence, I made tons of mental bookmarks on things that I want to have (or need to have...I am currently confused with WANT and NEED haha). So I texted him about it and was nervous for his reply...even putting, "it's okay if you say no", because I was so shy to ask. Well, he said okay we could buy as long as I do not get shy about those things anymore. I tried to explain that I was used to just buying because I had a job prior to my pregnancy. Well, I just have to find work again after this. I am very thankful that Adam understands, as he was the one who persuaded me to quit my job for our baby (the first trimester wasn't really going great for us...so much complications that I needed to rest). Don't get me wrong, I rarely ask for things because material things don't really make me happy...there are just some that cheer me up these days as I am eagerly looking forward to D day.

So much time to kill alone that I formulated an EVERYDAY LOOK for myself which would make me look "motherly" as I am soon going to be a mom (hahahahaha). I opened up my new vanity case (which Adam bought for me hehe) and picked key makeup items that I need, like 2 shades of eyeshadow, mascara, eyeliner pencil, loose powder, blush, and 2 shades of lipsticks that I mixed together because I lack the budget to buy the shade I want. Prior to putting all these on my face, I washed it clean and applied tinted moisturizer. I was tempted to put on falsies...but I didn't...sayang e...hehe I'm not even going out. Here is what happened:

I don't know if it's noticeable, I only used the cam on my phone as Adam brought the lens I need with him in La Union. So this will be my mommy look hahahaha.

What do you think?

Also, I am getting addicted to this song since my brother always plays it...and it's always on MYX! I do not deny that I am a fan of anything Japanese or Korean :)

Experiment: Black

Obviously, I'm getting bigger by the day....only about 9 weeks to go anyway. Maybe I should avoid mirrors? Nah. It just feels funny dancing to music knowing my tummy is bulging like crazy hahahaha, I guess I'll avoid dancing for now.

Anyway, I was planning to take a walk...but it rained hard, so maybe later. I was stuck inside the house again...and I got bored watching TV, I got tired fixing the room, and day dreaming of D day...so I decided to clean the new vanity case Adam bought for all my makeup (thank you Adam!) and I ended up making more of a mess since I decided to do another experiment on my face. Today I wasn't so lazy to finish my entire face. And this is what happened:

It kinda reminds me of someone...or a type of makeup used by Kpop artists. ..I should've done my hair too, but it's so hot I could faint. Good thing my face hasn't bloated over the months...

I could only take pictures of my face these days as I am literally bigger.

Now, I should clean my brushes. I am very interested in doing more makeup work, but my condition is quite delicate as I am near giving birth. I am very excited, yet nervous since this is the first time I get to do that hah!

On another note...this has been playing on MYX....and by now I've memorized the whole song!!!! I should have majored in Japanese!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uN5v61brFKk

Baby Socks...etc...

It's been a while...yes, I am really not in the mood to write or anything because this day isn't turning out to be what I expected it to be. I'm just trying to cheer myself up. I tried watching on our newly purchased TV (for Adam's birthday)...but it isn't working. It started with a phone call, and then a text message...SURPRISE.... nasisira na araw ko. So I just tried to tidy up a bit for lack of anything to do. I've read too much books, watched too much DVDs, reread every status update on FB. And another thing is I TRIED ON MY OLD SHORTS AND DIDN'T LIKE WHAT I SAW. Okay, I shouldn't have....but it's not the time to worry about that. Hopefully, I'll be back to my pre-pregnancy size in no time...and I will do everything I can to achieve this in two short months after I give birth. Hehehehe

Anyway...I just want to share:

These are baby socks I bought because I am very excited. I just bought one...okay two hehe, and they are both colored yellow because after 2 ultrasounds they are still having a hard time seeing if it's a boy or a girl...though they always tell us it's probably a girl. Well, there are days when I'm down for whatever reasons...and I look at these. They are so cute.

Changes

Today, I decided to change the theme of my blog. It's been plain black for years and I just got bored. I am not one who fancies colors, but because of some events in my life, I just couldn't resist. Yesterday was a disappointment; today is somewhat disappointing too. But if I weigh the positives against the negatives...the disappointments do not matter. As for what transpired yesterday...I was scheduled for a 4D ultrasound and I've been excited and ecstatic for a week. Me and Adam were very punctual as I was scheduled at around 4-6 PM. So we waited, very sure we'd get what we were there for. I felt that there was something wrong when the lady there informed me that their "probe" was stored and that a doctor who left accidentally brought the key. She told me to wait since the doc was driving the key back. So we waited...and waited... and finally I was called! I couldn't hide the smile on my face...from ear to ear. I was asked to lie down, put my shirt up...the doctor who was doing the procedure even put the gel on my tummy already...and she said that the "probe" was having an error with the machine. They tried to fix it, and told me they'd just use another probe instead. So I was still very sure I was getting a 4D! But I was so disappointed that they were showing me a 2D ultrasound...they even finished the whole process without telling me it wasn't in 4D. After that, they asked me to go back the next day to get the results, it was weird because all my past ultrasounds gave the prints right after the procedure. So the negativity was drowning me. Disappointment aside, we still got to see our baby's face. And that 'she' is healthy. I was asked to get an ultrasound because the OB said I was measuring kind of small for 7 months...but it feels good to know that baby's just the right size. We've already picked a name , though it's going to be a surprise :) From books and information I've gathered, our baby should be weighing around 3lbs...and baby weighs around that value.

Here 'she' is:

I don't know if it's visible...but what you will see are the nose and the mouth :)

CUTE!!!!!

Love Yourself

Love yourself. These two words are easy to say, yet hard to do for a number of people. For some, it is easier to make a list of things you dislike about yourself than things that you do like about yourself...even accepting compliments don't come easy; where we can just simply smile and say 'Thank you', we usually utter these set of words instead, 'hindi naman', don't we? I myself am this way. I find so many wrong things where I am the only one concerned, and nobody else even gives a damn.

I thought that when I am in a relationship, this would all vanish...when I finally find someone who would love me for me, no changes. Funnily, nothing changed, even after a long period...there would be instances where a simple I feel ugly and fat would turn into an overnight war between me and him. Him always telling me there is nothing wrong with me, and me telling him that even though he says that this is still the way I feel and nothing seems to make me feel better. Maybe I was waiting for myself to grow up, even just a bit.

It is no surprise that I am made up of so many eating disorders and I have this obsession with working out even in the wee hours of the night...that I count every calorie that goes in my mouth...but goes unnoticed because I can easily divert other people's attention into another topic rather than finishing my food, or eating anything at all. I'm good at blocking hunger with movies, art, books, exercise....and some other bad things. And this has been an on-going battle for more than ten years.

Though I had to grow up in an instant, once I got the news that I'm pregnant. Guilt weighed more. A few weeks into the pregnancy I was still on a strict diet (meaning I still starved myself)...but thinking about the welfare of the baby, or my baby, weighed so much more. So I changed the way I ate. I was banned from exercise on up until the fourth month due to some complications, but by the fifth month I was allowed to walk. So there. I manage with a 30 minute walk daily. And I can say...I'm okay.

There are just times when the negative things sink in; nights when I'd still pester Adam that I'm becoming a big blob...or that I'm turning hideous...there was an instance when a clothing of mine wouldn't button up and I showed it to him crying, 'hindi na kasya saakin Adam, ang laki laki ko na', to which he laughed at me and said I looked cute. Which made me feel worse because I'm trying to find comfort yet all I get is a laugh. Or there would be instances I'd tell him I don't want to go out because I feel ugly. In spite of these things, Adam helps me through. There is not one day that he makes me feel less, even though I'm a few sizes up or that my waistline is bigger than his. Everyday he reminds me that I am beautiful, that I'll always be...and that what he sees is what matters, not everyone else's. He never fails to make me feel special, just like a princess. He always makes time for me, and our baby. Last Tuesday he asked me out to dinner and a movie...and I was curious why he asked so suddenly, and he said it was because we've been married for a month...this gesture was sweet and I felt very special. Also, he makes it a point to join me during check-ups with the doctor.

All these gestures and words are the things that help me become stronger, and these things help me love myself...just the way I am.

Coincidentally, we watched "BEASTLY" that Tuesday night...and that was the exact message.

Love is never ugly.

The Lovely Vanne Leon

It's been a long time since I've worked on anything related to pictures...due to hormones and pregnancy discomforts....but I'm beginning to adapt...as late as now. Last Sunday, me and Adam joined a shoot...so I had a chance to create something new.

There's Just This Thing Inside Me

I know by heart I am a good person, and lately (for the past year or so)...I find that part of my heart turns black sometimes. I used to be contented with everything, and I don't know when it learned to doubt...or when it started to have a bad wishlist, like my to-kill-list. Wishing ill of someone was never my forte, but sad to say, the list is there. If I don't come or grow to like you, then most likely you'd find your name there. And I feel bad about this because it seems out of my control...and everyday, I cry out to God, "HELP ME".

New Things

Joana Sison McGee is my new name.

And it makes me happy :)

So far, after the hectic weekend...I managed to get sick. I'm kind of scared because I know I can't get sick because I'm pregnant. But what can I do, but rest and drink lots of water. Yesterday I was really feeling so bad. I had a clogged nose and my throat hurts like hell.

I spent the day reading and sleeping and waiting for myself to get better. When Adam came home I was such a mess, but I had no choice...I looked sick. Because we know that I couldn't drink just any medication, he just made me laugh by saying funny things...and though I know he hates it when I make him dance...he did...and that made me happy--because he did it to make me laugh. It's one of the things I love about him...when he becomes selfless just so he can show me how much he loves me (though I already know how much).

Last Saturday was our wedding...it was very very hectic and a bit stressful that we almost had a fight through SMS (thank God I was very much in control at that time hehe). The morning was so busy with makeup, photoshoots, the video....but good thing my family (plus my two cousins) made me laugh the whole time. I wasn't nervous or anything. Not until me and my two cousins were waiting at the bridal car and one of them said she was nervous. Contagious. The bridal car was parked far from the entrance of the church, but I could see how busy Adam was with fixing the entourage...making sure everything was perfect. He's been telling me for days that he wants this day to be perfect for us, and I always tell him (when he gets stressed) that whatever happens it will be perfect...because it was him and me. Cheeeeeeesy...I know :)

Time went by so fast, before I knew it I was walking down the aisle. No time to shed my tears of joy...I was so worried about falling or tripping. We prepared vows to read, but the priest skipped the part. So we just gave what we wrote to each other.

The reception was fun, I haven't seen friends for so long and I'm glad to see them. I'm glad they came...though I did not have time to go around the tables to greet them...I hope they understand. I am really grateful.

Adam and I spent 2 nights at the hotel...eating and eating and eating :) And laughing and posting the photobooth pictures on FB.

Thank you to everyone who helped us with the occasion and to those who came.

It's a Wonder

I had a very special weekend. For the first time, I saw our baby that developed from a tiny dot (from my last ultrasound, December 2010) to a tiny human-like form. We saw our baby move, the tech said that we have an active baby. We saw the eyes, lips, and nose; the hands with tiny fingers; the feet with tiny toes. We saw the heart, complete with four chambers; the stomach bubble. The tech also said it's most likely a girl :)

It's very heart-warming to have seen this. It made me happy knowing that 'she' is healthy and so far, has no problems. I do already feel 'her' move a lot, usually when I'm about to sleep or when I'm not moving.

It's one great blessing that we've been given, a very special gift :)

Grateful

I may not have been vocally appreciative due to multiple discomforts caused by hormones, but in my heart I am grateful to my family and friends who have been very happy and supportive. Also, to Adam who has been the greatest since way back, even before our baby :) I've never met a guy so understanding, considerate, thoughtful, responsible, kind, patient....and many many more. I think more guys should be like him. I feel very lucky to have him in my life. I know he's tired from work, but still he is taking me out tonight to watch "Red Riding Hood" :)

Thank you Adam!

Happy Baby

That's me when I was a baby, I just never thought I'd be a mother someday too. I used to give up on life very easily...but not lately. Thanks to all the blessings God has given me :) also, for the love that keeps me strong everyday.