Getting Older

I'm not really that old but I can feel that things are different. The things that matter to me are different. Things change. I used to be contented watching TV the whole day, reading a book, things like that. Now I get depressed over things that I know can happen, but not right when I want it to. And I've been honest with the things that are in my mind. A family, a home. I'm almost 26, I'm not 16 anymore, I've outgrown parties. And this has been bothering my head everyday. I didn't mean to blurt everything out, I admit I was under the influence of alcohol but I'm glad. I don't want to be drinking every time I want to say what's on my mind.

I respect what other people want, but I also have things that I need. And want and need....they are different. I can't go on feeling anxious everyday, nervous... because there is something left unfulfilled for me.

Haven't

I haven't really been writing. Even on my journal... I noticed that all I write in there are the things that make me feel bad. I know for a fact that this is because these are things I couldn't tell anybody, rather, I'm scared to let anyone know because I don't want to be called crazy. But hey, who isn't...in their own weird ways. So I'll try and write positive things now. Omit the negativity.

Today, I had lunch with Adam. I like eating with him because my appetite is bigger. Maybe because he looks like a happy eater (is there such a thing???). Now I'm back home planning to watch Vampire Diaries. I watched this series since January and I've been bugging Adam to watch it too. And he did. Now he's hooked. We were watching last night and he said, "Bakit ang dami naman vampires", hmmm.....yeah, but here in our country mga aswang lang. Jejemons.

Well, it's my mom's birthday today. I hope she's happy.

Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister

The start of my 2010 was like shit. I lost my job; my depression got out of hand... I was so lost that I seemed to sulk most of the time. This is one big adjustment for me. 1. Because I had a job which pays good, I was always financially secure. Not in the sense that I can live and survive on my own just enough to get by my simple pleasures like good junk food and books. Now I have to save what little money I have left just to ride through this period of defeat and turmoil. 2. I wouldn't get to see Adam everyday at the office. I got so used to seeing him that a sudden change made me anxious. 3. The fact that the reason I lost my job was because of a group of bitches who didn't like me (not because of my performance whatsoever... I felt inferior just because I was disliked though I never did anything wrong. I do not deny the fact that these things break my heart a bit, because they did chip off a piece of it. But all I can do is move forward, because the time never runs backward. I have no choice. So no matter how hard it is to accept, no matter how hard I try, I will give it all I've got. If I fail, then I'll try again. I will not give in to my unreasonable sense of pessimism.

Anyway, last Thursday was great because I got to eat breakfast with Adam again, after a very long time. I got to see my friend Lora too, who stayed overnight at our house. Then last Friday I got to watch Sherlock Holmes (I'm a big fan). AND, Adam helped me buy a book. Well, he offered to pay for it but I felt guilty...so I payed half. (Thank you so much!!! I love you!)