In a State of Surrender

Now I know what it is like to be in a state of surrender.

I have been waiting for labor to start since week 37…then 38…nothing. I was hoping to give birth on the 39^th week. I was so sure, that every little discomfort I felt I mistook for a sign of labor. We went for our 40^th week appointment, with a little impatience, because I was not progressing into my labor. So the doctor gave us an option…if we wanted an induction or if we would still wait. From baby’s ultrasound, which gave an average weight of 8.93 lbs…I got so scared she might not fit into my birth canal if she got any bigger. So we scheduled for me to be induced.

A NOT SO GREAT EXPERIENCE BUT…..

I was scheduled to go to the hospital August 08, 2011. That afternoon they already started to induce me. I had to have not eaten for 6 hours, and then had an enema which was butt torture!!!! Then they hooked me up on oxytocin to start my contractions. I was in from 4PM until 12 MN…and nothing. We started again the next day…

AUGUST 09, 2011

They started my oxytocin drip again at 8AM. My doctor told me that around 11AM she’d rupture my water bag to trigger stronger contractions. My husband, parents, and I had already decided that whatever happens after the bag has been ruptured…we go on. So I was brought to the delivery room and the doc broke my bag. A few minutes after…I got a full blown contraction…which was out of my pain threshold, but I was doing my best not to shout or cry…I was trying to be brave. Since my mom is a doctor, she was able to accompany me just to hold my hand. I had intense contractions every 2 minutes for 2 hours!!! And when they checked….I had dilated to 6-7cms. But still, the baby won’t go down because of her size. I was willing to go on with the labor process to have a natural birth. I was administered Demerol and 2 other drugs which made me so high I though I was still speaking, though everyone told me I was out of it. I could hear and see everything that was happening. I saw my dad arrive (he’s a surgeon too and he wanted to be a part of the birth to see if both baby and I are okay). The final decision was made…I was rushed to the OR for a C Section. I was so scared of the process. I saw people in scrub suits, masks, etc….my hands were tied to the sides. I felt like a pig in a slaughter house. The last thing that I remember was being scared of the spinal block…when it was about to be given I was knocked out instantly.

I woke up immediately after hearing my baby cry…I saw her being cleaned, checked…saw my mom taking photos, my dad documenting the moment (which I might upload soon)….then they put baby beside me! My first thought was…she looks so much like my husband, and so cute and adorable. I was so happy that I borrowed my mom’s phone…transferred photos to my phone…and instantly uploaded a picture via twitter. I texted my husband that our baby looks like him. I replied to my cousins who sent me messages…all this while being stitched up. LOL. I know phones aren’t allowed in the OR but my parents were there and they were the ones holding on to the phones. What luck!

I am very thankful, grateful, and blessed….

For having a great team of doctors,

For having such giving parents who spent all their time trying to ease my pains and making my fears go away…

Most of all, for having such a loving husband who always thinks of me first, giving me so much love that I felt I could do it all even if I was so scared….who is still taking good care of me after my surgery….also, helping me take care of our baby.

ONE EXPERIENCE I WILL CHERISH FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

FOR MADELEINE BEAN S. MCGEE:

I was so happy when I found out I was going to have you.

Even if I was puking my guts out on the first trimester.

Even if I was gaining weight on the second.

Even if I was moody and found it hard to move on the third trimester.

Everyday we talked.

We laugh and cry together.

Everyday I wondered if you’d look more like me or your daddy.

I did not have a wonderful birth experience, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I love you so much little Bean