Cry. I never used to cry a lot. Whatever bad feeling, I put it in a box, mark it and save it for later. I could do this easily because I've denied myself happiness...my own WRONG theory is this: I refuse to be happy because I could lose everything, if I'm unhappy all the time I won't have to lose anything...and I thought this makes everything easier...I'm dead wrong. I end up hurting the special people in my life. It never crossed my mind that holding back gives them the impression that everything they do for me is never enough...though I always say it is.

Just last night I had another crying spree. And this is new:

"Hindi ka na bata, kung may problema wag mong itago, sabihin mo. Pag-usapan natin."

I was never the talker, maybe this is the reason why I harbor so much negativity, because there is no outlet....it doesn't come out and it gets condensed. It took me a long time to accept that my theory is not correct. Just not..and it will never be.

It's a great comfort to have someone who tries and gives everything just to help me out, because my neuro-synapses just don't work well. Someone who tells me frankly that I am not always right, and that its okay to make mistakes...that the important thing is that we learn from those mistakes.

But last night, I think I failed again. And I fail most of the time. I don't want to quit trying though, because the world would be such a waste.

This morning I felt so stupid trying to learn about using off-cam flash. I have never used any type of flash in my life. Only natural light. I get the concept, yeah....but not really how it works. Because what I get looks artificial, unlike those pros who get something impressive. Well, who am I to complain, I'm no pro...hehe. I feel so lazy today, and I'm not okay so probably this post would be good for nothing.

Today I bought a book on illustration. I haven't really drawn anything for years, and it seems as if my hand forgot how to make pictures. So I'll try to work on this a bit more....got to use that sketchbook from Boston. I also bought something for Adam, not because I feel bad for screwing up last night, I just want to give him something today, which he will receive tomorrow.

Adam and I went to buy Christmas gifts yesterday.

My Days Start at 6:00 AM

My Days Start at 6:00 AM

6:00 AM- I drive to work to see you, you wait.

6:30 AM- We eat breakfast together.

8:00 AM- I work; you go home.

9:00 AM- I work; you sleep.

10:00 AM- I pretend to work; you sleep.

11:00 AM- I pretend to work, but actually play Farmville; you sleep.

12:00 NN- I am left at my desk eating alone; you sleep.

1:00 PM- I pretend to work, while I read Sandman (current literary companion); you still sleep (though this varies).

2:00 PM- I work a bit, but I browse the net more; around this time you wake up.

3:00 PM- I do nothing, sit around waiting for 4:30. Usually you read, or do errands, whatever.

4:00 PM- around this time I begin to miss you more than I already do because I know I’m going home by myself, but it’s okay; You used to go pick me up and bring me home, but I guess this week it will only happen tomorrow.

5:00 PM- We wait for my brother, and go home.

6:00 PM- We either watch nonsense on TV, or browse the net for a while. We play with Yuki.

7:00 PM- We do much the same as we did 6:00.

8:00 PM- We eat.

9:00 PM- You go to work, I take a bath then wait for you to call.

10:00 PM- You call me to tell me you’re at the office, I wait for your next call.

11:00 PM- We talk on the phone.

12:00 MN- We Sleep.

1:00 AM- If I’m not asleep, I try to; you say you sleep but I don’t know if you’re working on something at the office.

2:00 AM- If I’m not asleep, I try to; you say you sleep but I don’t know if you’re working on something at the office.

3:00 AM- If I’m not asleep, I try to; you say you sleep but I don’t know if you’re working on something at the office.

4:00 AM- If I’m not asleep, I try to; you say you sleep but I don’t know if you’re working on something at the office.

5:00 AM- I wake up and take a bath, probably at this time you’re working.

Note: There are more You’s and I’s in my day. I look forward to the day that there would be a 23:1 ratio of WE’s to I’s and You’s. When we first started, there were more WE’s, but that doesn’t really matter because I know he loves me more each day. I know this not because he tells me, I just feel it.

So there’s a high probability that this Christmas will be a happy one. No, I take it back, it’s not just a HIGH PROBABILITY…I am absolutely sure that it will be. Not just because Christmas has always been my favorite time of the year; now I have someone to share it with. Ayos no?

For the past few days, me and Lora have been talking (…I haven’t seen her since our UP day off…when I was so used to seeing her almost every day). Lora and I have been talking about issues concerning self-worth. It has been a sick cycle ever since we met. We are very different, yet so much alike…this is one reason why I talk to her about the crap going on in my head. She gets it. So we were talking….and she showed me this blog by someone she knows. The entries were so direct that it tinted me green with envy. I prefer it if I could tell the world everything inside my head and not be judged. Though I know not a lot read this, probably no one even does, but still I couldn’t bring myself to write in such a manner that bares my soul. In example, I write some truth about myself or the things I do, with the way I was raised I’d be going straight to hell—well not literally, I might just lose shelter. Subsequently it’s like I’m living a double life, in a way. The me at home is still me, yet the other half of myself conceals itself in laughter and obedience. I’m 25 yet I deny most things to save my family from damages. I am mostly myself outside, and really me with certain people. I want to change this, I need LIBERTY. Two days ago we made a pact, if ever there is an ONLINE PINKY SWEAR, to just let go and be who we are. Now, it’s as if the pact never happened. Hahahaha. Back to dear old insecurities. Adam knows this about me, and he’s helped a lot, showing me my worth….not just as his significant other, but as a whole. And it is such a comfort to me. I try my hardest, if not the best. And I’ll get there, somehow. I told Lora this:

“Edi magsulat nalang tayo ng kahit anong gusto natin!”

I asked Adam this a few months back, if it is okay for me to still continue to write and post stuff that I like…..he said, YOU CAN POST ANYTHING YOU WANT, with a smile. I hope he means it, not just because it is the answer he thinks I want.

It took me 2 hours to finish my PAN-ROASTED PORK LOIN ON ITALIAN COUNTRY BREAD sandwich!!! I’m reading about photography again! It’s remarkable that Adam and I share an interest in Photography. When we met, I didn’t know. So it’s something we have in common, but we each have our own approach. It’s something I share with Lora too. The thing is it has to have passion, I know I shouldn’t meddle with other people’s affairs but it irks me to see some who claim to love photography yet what they only have are fine cameras. I won’t elaborate on this.

INTERMISSION: Another thing, I want to smoke. But as Adam and I have discussed, I could only do this when he’s with me—due to health reasons. So, there, I won’t…just wanted to let it out before I lose it.

Before I stop all this bullcrap, here are some pictures I found from our Boston trip:

Appreciating art at the Museaum of Fine Arts. Where they compressed 4 years of my college education!

Artifacts from Greece.

The Greatest Thing You'll Ever Learn is Just to Love and Be Loved In Return

I guess it’s really me. Everything that goes wrong, it’s me. Since I was a child….it’s me. I wish I could defend myself, but I won’t. Because this time, it really is me. And it hurts, so much more every time that it is me. It’s just automatic. There is no ON/OFF switch in my dumb head. I refuse to believe that my brain went haywire somewhere along the way. I always ask myself: why so much self-loathing? Self-pity?

And I still don’t have an exact answer—though I have fragments of ideas. But this has to end now, because I’m starting to inflict pain towards other people, not just myself. To someone I love.

To love. In one of my favorite movies, there is a line that pulls at my heart—it never fails to on all occasions that I watch it. “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return,”.

Well enough, I know myself well enough. And I know how much I can give and it’s boundless. I won’t hold back, not because I was told to….but because it is right; not because I have to…but because I want to.

I’ll give everything that I’ve got, nothing less.

I’m sorry I hurt you.

I love you.

November 13, 2008