Love yourself. These two words are easy to say, yet hard to do for a number of people. For some, it is easier to make a list of things you dislike about yourself than things that you do like about yourself...even accepting compliments don't come easy; where we can just simply smile and say 'Thank you', we usually utter these set of words instead, 'hindi naman', don't we? I myself am this way. I find so many wrong things where I am the only one concerned, and nobody else even gives a damn.
I thought that when I am in a relationship, this would all vanish...when I finally find someone who would love me for me, no changes. Funnily, nothing changed, even after a long period...there would be instances where a simple I feel ugly and fat would turn into an overnight war between me and him. Him always telling me there is nothing wrong with me, and me telling him that even though he says that this is still the way I feel and nothing seems to make me feel better. Maybe I was waiting for myself to grow up, even just a bit.
It is no surprise that I am made up of so many eating disorders and I have this obsession with working out even in the wee hours of the night...that I count every calorie that goes in my mouth...but goes unnoticed because I can easily divert other people's attention into another topic rather than finishing my food, or eating anything at all. I'm good at blocking hunger with movies, art, books, exercise....and some other bad things. And this has been an on-going battle for more than ten years.
Though I had to grow up in an instant, once I got the news that I'm pregnant. Guilt weighed more. A few weeks into the pregnancy I was still on a strict diet (meaning I still starved myself)...but thinking about the welfare of the baby, or my baby, weighed so much more. So I changed the way I ate. I was banned from exercise on up until the fourth month due to some complications, but by the fifth month I was allowed to walk. So there. I manage with a 30 minute walk daily. And I can say...I'm okay.
There are just times when the negative things sink in; nights when I'd still pester Adam that I'm becoming a big blob...or that I'm turning hideous...there was an instance when a clothing of mine wouldn't button up and I showed it to him crying, 'hindi na kasya saakin Adam, ang laki laki ko na', to which he laughed at me and said I looked cute. Which made me feel worse because I'm trying to find comfort yet all I get is a laugh. Or there would be instances I'd tell him I don't want to go out because I feel ugly. In spite of these things, Adam helps me through. There is not one day that he makes me feel less, even though I'm a few sizes up or that my waistline is bigger than his. Everyday he reminds me that I am beautiful, that I'll always be...and that what he sees is what matters, not everyone else's. He never fails to make me feel special, just like a princess. He always makes time for me, and our baby. Last Tuesday he asked me out to dinner and a movie...and I was curious why he asked so suddenly, and he said it was because we've been married for a month...this gesture was sweet and I felt very special. Also, he makes it a point to join me during check-ups with the doctor.
All these gestures and words are the things that help me become stronger, and these things help me love myself...just the way I am.
Coincidentally, we watched "BEASTLY" that Tuesday night...and that was the exact message.
Love is never ugly.