Cry. I never used to cry a lot. Whatever bad feeling, I put it in a box, mark it and save it for later. I could do this easily because I've denied myself happiness...my own WRONG theory is this: I refuse to be happy because I could lose everything, if I'm unhappy all the time I won't have to lose anything...and I thought this makes everything easier...I'm dead wrong. I end up hurting the special people in my life. It never crossed my mind that holding back gives them the impression that everything they do for me is never enough...though I always say it is.
Just last night I had another crying spree. And this is new:
"Hindi ka na bata, kung may problema wag mong itago, sabihin mo. Pag-usapan natin."
I was never the talker, maybe this is the reason why I harbor so much negativity, because there is no outlet....it doesn't come out and it gets condensed. It took me a long time to accept that my theory is not correct. Just not..and it will never be.
It's a great comfort to have someone who tries and gives everything just to help me out, because my neuro-synapses just don't work well. Someone who tells me frankly that I am not always right, and that its okay to make mistakes...that the important thing is that we learn from those mistakes.
But last night, I think I failed again. And I fail most of the time. I don't want to quit trying though, because the world would be such a waste.
This morning I felt so stupid trying to learn about using off-cam flash. I have never used any type of flash in my life. Only natural light. I get the concept, yeah....but not really how it works. Because what I get looks artificial, unlike those pros who get something impressive. Well, who am I to complain, I'm no pro...hehe. I feel so lazy today, and I'm not okay so probably this post would be good for nothing.
Today I bought a book on illustration. I haven't really drawn anything for years, and it seems as if my hand forgot how to make pictures. So I'll try to work on this a bit more....got to use that sketchbook from Boston. I also bought something for Adam, not because I feel bad for screwing up last night, I just want to give him something today, which he will receive tomorrow.
Adam and I went to buy Christmas gifts yesterday.
Just last night I had another crying spree. And this is new:
"Hindi ka na bata, kung may problema wag mong itago, sabihin mo. Pag-usapan natin."
I was never the talker, maybe this is the reason why I harbor so much negativity, because there is no outlet....it doesn't come out and it gets condensed. It took me a long time to accept that my theory is not correct. Just not..and it will never be.
It's a great comfort to have someone who tries and gives everything just to help me out, because my neuro-synapses just don't work well. Someone who tells me frankly that I am not always right, and that its okay to make mistakes...that the important thing is that we learn from those mistakes.
But last night, I think I failed again. And I fail most of the time. I don't want to quit trying though, because the world would be such a waste.
This morning I felt so stupid trying to learn about using off-cam flash. I have never used any type of flash in my life. Only natural light. I get the concept, yeah....but not really how it works. Because what I get looks artificial, unlike those pros who get something impressive. Well, who am I to complain, I'm no pro...hehe. I feel so lazy today, and I'm not okay so probably this post would be good for nothing.
Today I bought a book on illustration. I haven't really drawn anything for years, and it seems as if my hand forgot how to make pictures. So I'll try to work on this a bit more....got to use that sketchbook from Boston. I also bought something for Adam, not because I feel bad for screwing up last night, I just want to give him something today, which he will receive tomorrow.
Adam and I went to buy Christmas gifts yesterday.
No comments:
Post a Comment