Time for Myself

I only get time for myself when my daughter is asleep. Even surfing the net and watching TV needs scheduling. It's okay, she gives me the greatest joy anyway. Just one smile brightens up my day. There are a lot of things I worry about since I am an overthinker, but my baby easily calms me down and makes me realize what a good person I am.

Anyway, after our early morning walk...I ate with my brother since it's his sembreak...I told him we (my husband, baby and I) will be moving to our new place on January. I know they'll miss Bean...so I told him we would be spending weekends with them. Moving to a new home...our own home is quite exciting. Adam is used to living by himself, so this is the first time I will get to manage a household. I'm up gor the challenge...I am already a mom anyway. I will just miss my parents and brothers so much because I wouldn't get to bother them anytime I want. I bother my parents all the time...it's just a habbit. I'll get to miss our dogs, my room, everything. But we don't live that far...so we get to spend weekends together still.

Yesterday, we already chose the paint and finishes for the cabinets. It's been a long time since I got to design anything...and now it's going to be our own place so I want it to be perfect.

Household Help

I am the kind of person who becomes easily attached with our household help. Most especially when their personality suits mine. One of our household help left today; because by December she is due to give birth to a baby girl. She had been working for us for three years, and I have no complaints about her. Actually, 'bilib ako sakanya'. She is always positive about everything, even if there are problems in her life. She is always laughing...and her laugh is contagious. Even my parents have no complaints about her.

She, and our other help (my yaya when I was a kid), know almost everything about me...because for years I have hung out with them, mostly when I am just at home or out of work.

Well, there's nothing much we could do to make her stay. She has her own life anyway. I wish her luck and a good life. Maybe one day we get to see or hear from each other again.

In a way, I know I'll miss her.

He Always Wants To See Me Happy

He told me he feels happiest when he sees my face light up with joy.
No matter how many times I tried to hide from him, that I desired to own an iPad...he knew....and gave me an early Christmas present.

I feel happy when I know he is happy too :)

Autumn

A wind has blown the rain away and blown the sky away and all the leaves away, and the trees stand. I think, I too, have known autumn too long.

e. e. cummings

Simple Joys

Bean and her activity gym.

October 3, 2011

Me and my husband are having a difficult time making Bean sleep in her crib. She likes sleeping on my chest, on her rocking seat, and between us. Most times we become frustrated when she wakes up after a few minutes after putting her down. During the wee hours of the night we go back and forth from the bed to her crib....we keep on carrying her then putting her down...again and again. Actually I haven't had a full night of sleep since giving birth (a good way to shed the weight)...I do not have the time to go to the salon to get a haircut or even have my nails groomed. I have had no time to read my books nor watch my DVDs.

But you know what? It's all worth it. My daughter is so addicted to me as I am to her. I instantly melt whenever she looks into my eyes. Whenever I move around her eyes follow me. When she cries and I hold her...I can see that it gives her so much comfort. Those things give me such joy that I forget my worries.

This morning, our little one woke up irritated; she cries from time to time even if she's been changed and fed. I made her sleep by lunch time. I found the time to read and watch because surprisingly, she was able to sleep in her crib for 2 hours!!!!

I also had time to work out, since I already got the go signal. After that I took a shower and gave my baby a bath too. I made her play with the first toy that we bought her. As you can see, she likes it very much :)

Our Treasure

October 2, 2011

Take Me Away

‎"But I'm so sorry, it's not like me
It's maturity that I'm lacking
So don't, don't let me go
Just let me know
That I can slip and fall
And you won't let me go
Just let me know that growing up goes slow"

Somebody Loved

"Now my feet turn the corner back home
Sun turns the evening to rose
Stars turning high up above
You turn me into somebody loved"


October 1, 2011

Took this photo while me and my husband joined a photowalk.

My Baby Doll

Honestly, I favored to have a baby boy when I was younger. Simply because I did not have an interest in girly stuff, and boys are simply satisfied with playing....hence, I do not have to buy a baby boy too much clothes and accessories. When I found out that I was pregnant... I was so excited to find out the gender of our baby. During this time i did not have any gender preference because I was happy about having a baby--boy or girl, didn't matter to me just as long as he/she would be healthy.

At 20 weeks we were told that we were having a baby girl :) I never knew how fun it would be! Me and Adam would always look at baby girl clothes and shop; one or two garments almost every time we went out.

I must have done something right, something good, something great...to have been blessed with a beautiful baby girl. I am such a proud mother. But what makes me happy each day is that she is healthy...and grows smarter each day.

I feel like I have a live barbie doll! Most days I pick out her clothes, dress her up, and take her pictures.

Today, I went out to pick up a parcel from the post office...and since I was out...I couldn't resist the urge to buy my darling daughter a new dress (and hair piece)!

I love you baby Bean :)

Post Pregnancy

It's been a month since I gave birth to our baby girl. As I was lying on the hospital bed it occurred to me that my big baby bump was gone! And I was feeling thin again. On the last day, as I dressed up to go home I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror...the HORROR!!!! I was looking plump. I'm not used to it because I used to be thin...then there were curves here and there. I do not have a fat post pregnancy body, I'm just a bit curvy than before...but I am not used to seeing myself that way.

That day was also the day I got to hold my baby for real this time, not just my short visits to the nursery. And in my head I thought...the body I had post pregnancy was all worth it because of my beautiful baby.

When we arrived home, I attempted to fit into my old clothes (tops could fit me but pants and shorts hardly come up my hips) to no avail. The doctor said I'd continue to lose weight until 6 weeks postpartum and any weight left is fat I need to work off.

It's been 4 weeks postpartum and I can say I'm getting there. Yesterday I went out in one of my old pants. I still have some weight to lose, but I'll enjoy the ride as long as I spend it with my baby :)

Besides, my husband continues to remind me everyday that I am beautiful and that I'm not fat. It means a lot to me (bola man o hindi).

My baby's hand is lovely :)

Mommy

Now that I am a mom myself, I appreciate my mom more and more. It’s not just sacrifice for your little one, but unconditional love that you feel. Unfortunately, after my c-section…my wound got infected—the reason why I had on-and-off fevers these past few days. It was pure horror yesterday when I came in for my post-delivery checkup. My OB pressed on my wound over and over until all the pus came out. It was very painful. At first I was giving my best to not cry. I was making disturbing sounds just to ease my own pain…and I ended up crying like a baby. After the wound was dressed I felt a bit relieved. Though there was still pain and awkwardness every time I moved, upon hearing my baby cry…I immediately forgot everything and picked her up. I guess this is how all mothers feel. After the long wait of 9 months, the hard labor, and whatever form of delivery…those little angels are still the top priority.

When I got home yesterday, I was still so shocked about what had been done to my wound that I sent a text to my mom telling her I was paranoid about it. Wherein she called me to reassure me everything will be okay, that it had happened to her when she had me. I told her I didn’t want dad to be the one to dress my wound at home (since he’s a surgeon I am very intimidated); I made her promise that she’d be the one to look at my wound. It was a long night…dad finally came home. I was crying inconsolably, and was hyperventilating due to nervousness. I asked Adam to hold my hand. But I was still scared. And there was my mom, holding on to me like I was still her little girl. And it meant so much to me. To have a very loving and supportive mom who was with me every step of the way (of course…my dad and specially my husband too).

So I salute all mothers and all moms-to-be!

In a State of Surrender

Now I know what it is like to be in a state of surrender.

I have been waiting for labor to start since week 37…then 38…nothing. I was hoping to give birth on the 39^th week. I was so sure, that every little discomfort I felt I mistook for a sign of labor. We went for our 40^th week appointment, with a little impatience, because I was not progressing into my labor. So the doctor gave us an option…if we wanted an induction or if we would still wait. From baby’s ultrasound, which gave an average weight of 8.93 lbs…I got so scared she might not fit into my birth canal if she got any bigger. So we scheduled for me to be induced.

A NOT SO GREAT EXPERIENCE BUT…..

I was scheduled to go to the hospital August 08, 2011. That afternoon they already started to induce me. I had to have not eaten for 6 hours, and then had an enema which was butt torture!!!! Then they hooked me up on oxytocin to start my contractions. I was in from 4PM until 12 MN…and nothing. We started again the next day…

AUGUST 09, 2011

They started my oxytocin drip again at 8AM. My doctor told me that around 11AM she’d rupture my water bag to trigger stronger contractions. My husband, parents, and I had already decided that whatever happens after the bag has been ruptured…we go on. So I was brought to the delivery room and the doc broke my bag. A few minutes after…I got a full blown contraction…which was out of my pain threshold, but I was doing my best not to shout or cry…I was trying to be brave. Since my mom is a doctor, she was able to accompany me just to hold my hand. I had intense contractions every 2 minutes for 2 hours!!! And when they checked….I had dilated to 6-7cms. But still, the baby won’t go down because of her size. I was willing to go on with the labor process to have a natural birth. I was administered Demerol and 2 other drugs which made me so high I though I was still speaking, though everyone told me I was out of it. I could hear and see everything that was happening. I saw my dad arrive (he’s a surgeon too and he wanted to be a part of the birth to see if both baby and I are okay). The final decision was made…I was rushed to the OR for a C Section. I was so scared of the process. I saw people in scrub suits, masks, etc….my hands were tied to the sides. I felt like a pig in a slaughter house. The last thing that I remember was being scared of the spinal block…when it was about to be given I was knocked out instantly.

I woke up immediately after hearing my baby cry…I saw her being cleaned, checked…saw my mom taking photos, my dad documenting the moment (which I might upload soon)….then they put baby beside me! My first thought was…she looks so much like my husband, and so cute and adorable. I was so happy that I borrowed my mom’s phone…transferred photos to my phone…and instantly uploaded a picture via twitter. I texted my husband that our baby looks like him. I replied to my cousins who sent me messages…all this while being stitched up. LOL. I know phones aren’t allowed in the OR but my parents were there and they were the ones holding on to the phones. What luck!

I am very thankful, grateful, and blessed….

For having a great team of doctors,

For having such giving parents who spent all their time trying to ease my pains and making my fears go away…

Most of all, for having such a loving husband who always thinks of me first, giving me so much love that I felt I could do it all even if I was so scared….who is still taking good care of me after my surgery….also, helping me take care of our baby.

ONE EXPERIENCE I WILL CHERISH FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

FOR MADELEINE BEAN S. MCGEE:

I was so happy when I found out I was going to have you.

Even if I was puking my guts out on the first trimester.

Even if I was gaining weight on the second.

Even if I was moody and found it hard to move on the third trimester.

Everyday we talked.

We laugh and cry together.

Everyday I wondered if you’d look more like me or your daddy.

I did not have a wonderful birth experience, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I love you so much little Bean

Don't Lose Hope in Love

I was looking through my old blog and found an entry last 2005 where I wrote:

maybe God is still busy writing the best love story for me. So I'll sit and wait and pray. PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE..........as they say.

Well, God indeed was so busy writing it for me that I got my love story around 2009. It was worth the wait though. Yes there were times I'd get frustrated because I wasn't particularly interested in anyone. Literally. Not one man gave me that hummingbird heartbeat. There were guys who were brave enough to confess their feelings and it was so hard to turn them down, because some of them have become my friends...and I knew if I tell them I was only into their friendship, I'd lose them. But sometimes we just have to do the things we do. God works in weird ways. And my love story is as unique as those who have found their true loves.

I have been bumping into this guy in the office, and I have a habit of saying HI to anyone I run into even if I do not know them. This particular guy never said hi back. But I never knew I'd come to like him, even love him...because I found him arrogant...and not so PINOY. Lol. Then I heard about a guy who wants to be introduced to me, just out of curiosity I went out of my way to give him a visit and I'd like to think we became good friends. I was surprised that the guy whom I found arrogant was this guy's friend. But I gave it no mind. Every time I take time out of my day to hangout with them arrogant guy always talks to me, entertains me...more than anyone around. Well, that kind of caught my attention...and it was then I started to have interest. Though I heard a lot of negative things about him, I wasn't really ready to get into a relationship. I was not hoping for one. I was hoping for friendship so to say. Little did I know he felt the same. And it started there. Because things were complicated then, we used to hide....or go out after office hours so people won't see. Until we fix things. And we did. God wrote me a very colorful love story...so vivid that now I am married to that guy, who I know I love so much, and loves me as much.

So to those who feel hopeless, again :

maybe God is still busy writing the best love story for me. So I'll sit and wait and pray. PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE..........as they say.

Just a Few More Weeks

I haven't been doing much of anything lately, since obviously...I find it hard to move around. No driving, no long walks, no long travels...I already walk like a penguin due to my huge bump. I find it quite dragging to wait for the DAY (which is approximately...2 weeks more). I'm excited and scared at the same time. Well, more excited actually.

The days are going by so slow that I've developed some sort of routine...which involves reading, watching, cleaning, experimenting with makeup...that's pretty much it. Everything's ready. Baby's clothes and blankets and other apparel are washed, the crib is all set up...I'm still mentally brain washing myself of the pain I am trying not to anticipate (hehehe)....all hospital bags are ready! We're just waiting for our daughter to come.

Nearing the finish line now.

Rainy Weekend

It was a very wet weekend, though I love that kind of weather I feel bad for others who were affected by it. Also, I was worried about my parents' flight from Vietnam. All is good though, they were able to arrive safely back home. It was a long weekend for Adam, since the floods weren't really as friendly to get him to his office...so we just stayed in and finished the whole second season of The Vampire Diaries since I have been a fan of that show since it began.

Also, I have been reading a book by Danielle Trusonni, entitled "Angelology" which is turning out to be a great find.

Back to normal today, bed rest...alone...and the weather's hot too.

From Baby's Daddy

Yesterday, Adam sent me a message saying he's going out to buy something for our baby. I was touched and surprised by this because I rarely see men go shopping for babies. I couldn't go out much these days, and we haven't completed the things we need. I was very impressed about his decision making regarding what to buy. He bought a Chicco sterilizer and going-home outfits for our little one :)

We are really very excited, time seems to go by so slowly.......patience....patience....patience....

On the other hand, I feel happy that my nephew, Jammie, got stars on his first day of pre-school :)

Custom Made

I miss coffee and tea very much. It's been 8 months since I had a cup. Coffee and tea are like water to me; it keeps my mind sharp and gives me energy through the day. Also, I miss wearing my clothes! I am very confident that I'd be able to fit in them again. But I swear, after I give birth I'd have these clothes custom made for me:

I can't wait, not just to fit into my clothes...but to meet our baby :)

Baby Shower :)

Last weekend, my cousins and mom gave me a baby shower. I am very thankful for the people who were able to come. Most were unexpected, really. Like my male friends from college, I was really surprised they made it...and it made me so happy! Also some of Adam's friends :) And of course, my whole family!

Me and Adam are very very excited...just about a month more to go. Everyday I pray for a safe delivery and a healthy baby. Most gifts were pink and girly as two ultrasounds indicated that most probably its a female ( hopefully female as all the gifts are cute :D)

Sharing the things our baby got:

We feel that our little angel is very loved. Thank you so much everyone! :)

The wait becomes longer as we get nearer D day!!!! I am getting so impatient. Yesterday, I was advised by the doctor to get lots of bed rest...no baby shopping just yet. Well, I hope things get better soon.

Our Wedding March 26, 2011

Sharing the SDE from one of the most happiest day of my life :)

ADAM / JOANA [sde] from blacktieproject on Vimeo.

Everyday Look

I woke up this morning with a bad start, though I won't mention why because every time I remember it I want to cry. It's just frustrating how someone else's stupidity could affect you. Anyway, there are other things to look forward to today like... Adam's coming home from a work-related travel, the weather is gloomy...non-stop rain...but I'm loving it...and...I could download as much as I want since my brothers aren't here to hog the net speed. I have a lot of time to kill.

Last night I felt like a stupid kid, as most know I am currently without a job...and I find it hard to tell Adam I want to spend money on something since I have no means of replenishing it as of now. I was browsing through magazines out of boredom; hence, I made tons of mental bookmarks on things that I want to have (or need to have...I am currently confused with WANT and NEED haha). So I texted him about it and was nervous for his reply...even putting, "it's okay if you say no", because I was so shy to ask. Well, he said okay we could buy as long as I do not get shy about those things anymore. I tried to explain that I was used to just buying because I had a job prior to my pregnancy. Well, I just have to find work again after this. I am very thankful that Adam understands, as he was the one who persuaded me to quit my job for our baby (the first trimester wasn't really going great for us...so much complications that I needed to rest). Don't get me wrong, I rarely ask for things because material things don't really make me happy...there are just some that cheer me up these days as I am eagerly looking forward to D day.

So much time to kill alone that I formulated an EVERYDAY LOOK for myself which would make me look "motherly" as I am soon going to be a mom (hahahahaha). I opened up my new vanity case (which Adam bought for me hehe) and picked key makeup items that I need, like 2 shades of eyeshadow, mascara, eyeliner pencil, loose powder, blush, and 2 shades of lipsticks that I mixed together because I lack the budget to buy the shade I want. Prior to putting all these on my face, I washed it clean and applied tinted moisturizer. I was tempted to put on falsies...but I didn't...sayang e...hehe I'm not even going out. Here is what happened:

I don't know if it's noticeable, I only used the cam on my phone as Adam brought the lens I need with him in La Union. So this will be my mommy look hahahaha.

What do you think?

Also, I am getting addicted to this song since my brother always plays it...and it's always on MYX! I do not deny that I am a fan of anything Japanese or Korean :)